geophile | cerealia

[ after returning from the giant traumafield that was Cerealia being Cerealia and returning Nico to where he requested he be left (that was the least he could do—nico saved their lives), he begins to make calls and check up on who he knows, to make sure they weren't somehow dragged into this big mess.

... he didn't think he could feel more exhausted, but somehow, the multiple times he tries to get a hold of steven and fails to do so does hurt him a little more each time; messages like It's Adrien. I hope you're okay, please get back to me? feel like they're being thrown into the void, and he feels like he failed again and Jaune died because of him and he's just. Very tired.

But he continues to try. ]

Steven?
Some stuff happened, and I was just checking up to make sure you're okay.
Get back to me when you get this... Please?

[ another one, to nothing. ]

[ CAPTAIN'S LOG DAY TWO.

things are very much still not okay, but the days continue, and with steven not responding after this long... he can figure out what happened. he's begun crafting some kind of apology for jaune, even if he doesn't understand what happened; now, he's added how to greet steven how he returns, because he's certainly gone through something... not good.

again. it's really not fair what this place makes good people go through, huh. ]

You know, if it ends up being you actually did get all those messages from before, it's probably going to be a little embarrassing.

[ he's worried. ]

When you get back, let me know if you need anythin|

[ that... makes it so real.

he hesitates, and doesn't send it. backspacebackspacebackspace ]

Sorry that I blew up your phone.

[ after waiting this long, it's very real. ]

When you get back, let me know if you need anything.

[ this time, he does hit send!

and it's so silly, because adrien knows he's gone for the time being, just like jaune, and he continues to send messages like he doesn't. ]

[ this time, he calls.

and when it does connect, he's found that he still hasn't really finished figuring out what exactly to say, and he still feels so tired, like he hasn't really slept, but it connects and that's all that matters for now. ]

... Steven. [ clear relief. ] —Er. Hey. Hello. I, um— Sorry, all those messages, and I just...

[ ugh.

there's so much he has to say. everything from the past few days comes running to the front. ]

Are you okay?

[ there. ]

[ he knows the feel, cat son. he's been trying to rest since making it back to his apartment, but the cold that's spread from his core to his extremities makes it difficult to find physical comfort. no amount of layers, upped thermostat, mugs of tea, or blanket burritos seem to help.

along with that, he has plenty of concerned messages and missed calls from those who had returned (relatively) safe and sound. the guilt that he has for making them worry continues to mount, but he's trying to shove it down.

the messages from those younger than him are particularly poignant; especially adrien's. he had seen him die once before, and having to process that a second time isn't something that he would wish on anybody, let alone someone he cares about.

thankfully, he sees his next contact with adrien will be a call. he's not sure if the numbness in his fingers would allow for proper texting. ]

You don't need to apologize for that, Adrien. For the most part, I'm fine.

[ there's no use in being untruthful. this isn't their first time at the rodeo. ]

What about you?

[ ah, good. there's a sigh when he hears steven's voice—it comes before he even realizes it. for the most part, he's fine, huh... so there's things underneath that, and that's certainly what he's focusing in for the time being.

it definitely helps ward off the thoughts of what happened down in the ye olde sewers, though when the question he'd asked is returned to him, he's not really sure how to respond.

despite adrien advocating honesty (and being particularly grateful that's what steven's statement was), this suddenly scares him. he wasn't okay, he lost control of his powers and he's not sure why, plagg's not sure why, and... he was the direct cause of someone dying for reasons he still didn't understand. but to shove that onto steven, after he's just come back... no. ]

I— [ just slip through it. ] —Yeah. Yeah, it was just... kind of hard. I was worried. I'm just... really glad you're fine.

[ ... ]

What happened? Do you need anything?

[ ...hm. he doesn't like the sound of that hesitance, and knowing how his own escapades in the dungeon crypt had panned out, he has a feeling that adrien isn't giving him full details. ]

When you feel ready to tell me about it, don't hesitate to do so.

[ he'll leave that for him as an opening for whenever he wants to talk. right now might not be the best time to pry, seeing as he's not exactly at his best himself. ]

As I'm sure you've ascertained by now, my return to the colony wasn't exactly... peaceful. [ he lets out a breath, but it sounds more like a light sigh. ] No, I don't think so. The side effects that I'm experiencing should pass with time.

[ when he feels ready? there's another hint of something on the other end when steven says that—like adrien feels like saying something but he... doesn't.

it's good, that there's more than just that to focus on. there's the confirmation that steven had... died, of course, and adrien never really accepted the first death so much as he just... let it sit. and now here's the second, with more side effects; things steven doesn't really deserve.

things no one deserves, but especially— ]

... You shouldn't keep having to go through this stuff.

[ it's kind of tired, kind of indignant. ]

[ yeah, he's tired too. he really would like to stop dying, but it appears that fate really has it out for him here. maybe CERES decided that after a life of privilege, he had a little misfortune coming to him.

or maybe it's just his own idiocy and selfishness, resulting in other people getting hurt. that sounds a little more accurate. ]

I'm afraid my own negligence is partially to blame. I take responsibility for what happens to me.

[ ... no. no. that cuts through his fatigue, the hints that steven is blaming himself, or... no. the things that happen here, no matter how careful you are— ]

But... it's not! Here, they're— sometimes it's all chance. You're careful. And it isn't— you shouldn't take responsibility for it when they're the ones that put you in those spots!

[ —oh.

maybe that was a bit of a childish outburst. he thought maybe he'd reached his limit with things here before—that ceres couldn't possible be worse, but obviously that wasn't his limit then. maybe even this wasn't. but steven dying twice, and talking like that... and jaune.

for what? ]

[ ............... ugh.

steven can't see it, but he rubs at his eyes with his forearm. ]

Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like... that.

[ silly. but it's what happens with him, those small frustrations just piling up, more and and more, until he needs to say something. like with his dad... both situations just fill him with no sense of control, but at least there no one was dying over it. ]

It's not your fault.

[ a childish outburst, maybe. but when it does come down to it, adrien is, objectively speaking, just that - a child that is reacting to something that he shouldn't have to experience. steven knows and recognizes that well, and it's something that he can never forgive CERES for. ]

Not to worry. I understand where you're coming from.

[ but while he doesn't exactly agree with adrien, he's not about to start arguing with him. he knows that CERES is quite responsible for placing him within the circumstances of his deaths, but his own actions played a part. he could have tried harder to resist that nagging urge to take on the monsters in the labyrinth, but didn't. he could have been adamant about not disturbing the coffins in the underground crypt, but wasn't. for that, he blames himself.

but adrien doesn't need to know that right now. ]

Thank you.

Edited 2016-06-07 05:09 (UTC)

[ ... it's a thank you that rings hollowly within him. he wishes it was easy to convince steven it wasn't his fault that things happened this way, that it was easy to solve this entire thing and make it so that nobody had to die, and steven didn't have to live with the consequences of something like this. but alas, these things aren't akumas and they can't just... disappear.

steven believed it was his fault. adrien knew it was his fault. so maybe he shouldn't be talking about these things. ]

But you don't agree?

[ he knows. not that he means this in an accusatory way—it's an honest statement, just like... most of his words have simply been honest statements.

and adrien hesitates, again. ]

... You know, I get it too.

[ maybe. maybe he understands what steven's feeling, even if he thinks he shouldn't feel it. the guilt, the should haves, and maybe knowing that he gets it will help. he doesn't know. ]

[ he's silent when it comes to adrien's question, which is an answer in itself - he doesn't agree, because there is at least a fraction of blame to be placed on him. but while the guilt is there, he refuses to have it eat at him.

at least, he's trying not to let it. ]

It's natural to have regrets about past decisions; the uncertainty in the outcomes of our actions is a part of what makes us human. The important thing is that we try our best to learn from them, and make amends to those that we may have hurt along the way.

[ it's something that he's offered to his fellow perished groupmates, of course. but that's not everyone that he has to address. ]

And on that note, you have my sincerest apologies for making you worry again.

[ there's a pensive pause as he takes in steven's words. he always listens attentively, of course, but this time it seems like he's letting the words especially sink in. it's an important topic, not only because steven's offering him advice... but because it also provides him insight into how steven might be handling it.

at the second part, however, there's a shift. and: ]

—You don't need to say sorry for that. It's not like you mean to make me worry or anything... like I said, that you're okay's the most important part.

[ ... ]

... And besides, I know you're strong enough to handle this stuff.

[ mentally. physically, counting all his pokémon. it's his own form of encouragement, more tame than his usual shonen words but still entirely genuine. ]

Still, I feel as though it should be said.

[ there's a pause after he hears adrien's next words, though. it's flattering to hear something like that said about him, but above that... it's heartwarming. he'd like to think that he's strong and reliable, and the fact that adrien sees him as such leads him to believe that he's doing something right. ]

Thank you, Adrien. I'll do everything in my power to continuously meet those expectations.

I think you can do that without even trying.

[ ... ]

I mean, not because they're low or anything, but— you know.

[ he'd be a little more flustered or explain that with more energy, but everyone's a little exhausted right now. he just hopes he gets his point across... that steven doesn't actively need to try to meet those expectations, because he always does. it's just the nature of his being or something. ]

[ that makes him laugh. it's a little more than what adrien might have heard before - it's not complete, but more than just a small chuckle. strength aside, it's nice to hear those words.

it'll be another road to full recovery, but he can already feel things returning to relative normalcy. ]

Yes, I know what you meant. [ he pauses, letting the moment hang for just a second. ] Though now that I'm thinking about it, I think we both deserve a small treat. Would you like to accompany me for lunch once things have settled?

[ ooh. well, more signs of helping steven's mood certainly helps adrien's own, and that invitation to lunch is an additional plus. even if in the midst of a whole lot of emotions piling on him, and the situation not really being addressed... steven somehow finds a way to cheer him up.

and adrien really isn't sure how to express his gratitude for that.

his voice perks up, and: ]

You don't even need to ask.

[ haha. but he honestly really doesn't, adrien's always going to say yes. ]

Just tell me when, and I'm there.

[ while he certainly isn't feeling up to going out at the present moment, a confirmation like that means that he'll be contacting adrien again the day he feels back to normal. it'll help him settle back into routine, and maybe he'll be able to get the full scope of what happened to the younger man when he was taken.

it's not something he'll relentlessly pry into, but he just wants to make sure that adrien is okay, too. ]

I'll keep in touch.

Okay. I'll be right here. For that, and if you need any help with anything. Or, er, just for anything in general.

[ he pauses.

obviously there's another thing he wants to add onto that. ]

... Thanks, Steven.

[ just for everything, though he doesn't outright say that. maybe it's a little sappy and while he does feel a little shy about being so straightforward, it's true. all these things remind him to be grateful for the support and people he's met here, as it does make things easier.

not!dad especially.

so, for sure, he needs to do the same, any way he can. ]

cerealia » ic inbox

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voice — 7/18 ok done

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